I’m 28 and unmarried, so naturally, the word singleness comes up quite commonly in the conversations that surround me. What I find interesting is the way singleness is described, I frequently hear it defined in the negative. The absence of something. The state of not being married. There seems to be anxiety, embarrassment, and pressure around singleness. To many, it’s viewed as the loneliest thing imaginable.
We might even find ourselves pitying singles, thinking that their lives aren’t very exciting or established until they find themselves in married life. Although well meaning, it’s also easy for social media posts, captions, and even wedding vows to give off a tone to singles that life doesn't start until marriage or until eros love comes into the picture. We might use words like “you complete me”, “you fulfill me”, “you’re my soulmate”. This type of language is well intentioned and endearing, however, what are we saying to singles in these moments? They are incomplete? They are unfulfilled? They don’t have a spouse so their life isn’t worth living?
Once again for the record - I know none of us are intentionally trying to view singles this way or demean singles with our language, and there is nothing wrong with celebrating marriage.
But, it can be easy to unintentionally display an attitude that marriage is the ultimate.. that life doesn’t start until marriage.. ministry doesn’t start until marriage.. true love & intimacy doesn’t start until marriage..family doesn’t start until marriage.. joy and happiness doesn’t start until marriage.. etc. I often wonder how difficult it is for singles to flourish securely in Christian community with this posture? When the focus is on God’s kingdom, singles belong. As soon as romantic relationships are our main focus, we’ve just alienated the singles.
What would it look like to celebrate the gift of singleness in the Body of Christ? What if we rejoiced and encouraged singles for their unique vocational opportunity to live for the Lord?
There are a few questions I’d love to address that I’ve heard from time to time around the topic of singleness.
QUESTION ONE: DOES SINGLENESS MEAN NO INTIMACY?
Intimacy defined is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or personal relationship with another person or group.
It’s easy as a single to think that our status means no intimacy in our lives. Many think singleness = alone/deprived. But, if we are truly operating as the Body of Christ, should it be this way? Shall we rethink intimacy? Yes, singles may not have the type of intimacy that comes with marriage (and it is okay to grieve this). But intimacy is still available to us (and more) in the out-workings of the Body of Christ.
The truth is, we singles need intimacy. We can live without sex, but not intimacy. We aren’t designed to be on our own! In our singlehood, it is so important that we seek to satisfy our need for intimacy first in deep devotion to Christ but also in deep devotion to His Church. One could argue that deep devotion to Christ actually means deep devotion to His Church. Much of our spiritual formation occurs in the context of community, so we need the deep and Godly relationships in our lives to fill our God-given desires for connection and intimacy.
Biblical marriage is a beautiful expression of romantic and sacrificial love that glorifies God. But in the New Testament, when we read about intimacy and love between believers - it is most commonly in the church setting. We read in Acts 2 that the church broke bread, met needs, and enjoyed the favor of one another. Christ gives us intimacy (even if unmarried) through the fellowship of Christian community.
Deitrich Bonhoeffer puts it like this - “The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer. The believer feels no shame when he yearns for the physical presence of other Christians. The believer lauds [praises] the Creator, the Redeemer, God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, for the bodily presence of a brother [or sister]. The companionship of a fellow Christian is a physical sign of the gracious presence of the triune God. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living in common Christian life with other Christians praise God’s grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian brethren.”
Christ actually gives Himself to us through His Body. Fascinating!
Pastor/Author Sam Allberry says this - “We need to rediscover a biblical category of intimacy that has been neglected in our cultural context and sadly in many of our churches - which is the intimacy of friendship.”
Married people get to experience a deep, beautiful depth of intimacy that involves the oneness of body and soul, in the covenant of marriage. Singles may not always have the unique depth of intimacy that married couples enjoy, however, we have a unique breadth of intimacy available to us that perhaps a married person may not be as able to experience. My singleness allows me to give myself so deeply to so many people in so many places. I am able to sustain a large amount of relationships. I have the time and energy to give myself to many people and ministries. This is a beautiful gift from the Lord!
What singles need to see and know from the Church is that they can still have intimacy, and strong, deep, powerful relationships, even if unmarried.
QUESTION TWO: DOES SINGLENESS MEAN NO FAMILY LIFE?
Singles often find themselves grieving the fact that they may never have a family or children. In the Bible we see women grieve this as well. It can be a very painful future to contemplate - one without a family of your own. But Jesus has much to say about community and the family of God. Jesus actually reconstituted family in his ministry - he says real family is spiritual, not biological.
In the Book of Matthew, we read this fascinating paradigm shift.
Matthew 12:46-50. “While Jesus was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
Jesus redefines family. The Body of Christ is the truest sense of family, in Jesus’s words.
The Apostle Peter in Matthew 19 tells Jesus - “Jesus we have left everything and followed you.” So then Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left everything for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive it all back, a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.”
Don’t miss it - this right here is a promise Christ gives us that he is expecting the Body of Christ to fulfill! I have a question for married people and those with families. How are we providing this for singles? Following Jesus should mean an abundance of spiritual family for all followers. Nature may only have given us a few family members, however, the gospel gives us far more. God has such a special place for all his children to enjoy the family life that the gospel provides. In my opinion, one of the biggest perks of the Christian life is the rich and bountiful family life God promises us.
I have an incredible biological family, but I also want to mention how overwhelmed I am by the “spiritual” families in our church that take me in. I am so fortunate to have dinner tables and living rooms open to me almost every night of the week. I’m given spiritual sisters, mothers, fathers, and brothers. I feel so grateful and can’t imagine thriving in my walk without this tremendous blessing.
QUESTION THREE: DOES SINGLENESS MEAN YOU ARE LESS VALUABLE IN MINISTRY?
It’s easy to think that the heavy-hitters in ministry are the marrieds and those who have families. After all, they’ve lived and experienced so much right? Yes, they have. But singles are an absolute irreplaceable force in ministry and church life. Does the church need married couples? YES. Does the church need singles? YES. The church must have both. I truly feel that both are needed in all areas of church, including leadership.
Singles, first off - I can’t express the importance of involving yourself inside ministry and church body life. Where else will you find what we talked about earlier - intimacy and family? Choosing to not be involved is practically handing yourself over to extreme loneliness- and its attendant dangers.
Singles have a wonderful way of giving themselves in time, energy, flexibility - in a way that marrieds can’t always give because of their godly duties to spouse and family. Neither is better; we need both.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 - “I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
Now is Paul saying it’s wrong, worldy, and ungodly to get married? Not at all! He’s not saying singleness is spiritual and marriage is unspiritual. Nor is he saying singleness is easy and marriage is hard. Or vice versa. He’s stating that married life is more complex. Singleness is more straightforward. Husbands and wives have duties to each other and children. Good, godly duties! How to love and encourage each other. Mindful of each other’s spiritual, emotional, physical needs. To live and act otherwise would not fulfill the vows they gave.
For singles, there is a bit more freedom. Life is a little less complicated. We can give ourselves in a way that married people can’t. And surely Paul knew and lived this out.
Final Thoughts for Families, Churches & Singles
Marrieds and families: Are you adopting singles? Inviting them over for dinner? Welcoming them into your home? Who are the singles you have welcomed to be part of YOUR family?
Churches: How is our language on singleness vs marriage? Are we helping singles embrace their special role in the kingdom of God? Are we letting singles integrate into our ministries? Do we have single leaders? Lifegroups, are you allowing singles into your groups to provide the rich perspective a single has to offer on how the gospel is completely sufficient for all their needs?
Singles: Are you embracing your singleness? Remember, you are completely fulfilled in Christ. Join families. Join COMMUNITY. How can you serve and be part of the SPIRITUAL family, the Body of Christ? If you feel sad about your singleness, it’s okay to grieve this season you find yourself in. But pour out your heart to God. He hears you and empathizes with you deeply. But remember, your deepest desire is communion and intimacy with Christ. Marriage- as amazing as it probably is - will not fulfill your ultimate heart desire. Why? Well, because it's not Jesus. Let HIM fulfill you in all ways. We can trust him “who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us..” (married or not.) - Eph. 3:20
Let’s change our perspective on singleness - as the Church is for singles, too.
-Natalie Goens
**Much of my content was retrieved, inspired, or gleaned from Sam Alberry’s book “7 Myths of Singleness”.
